Sometimes it is hard to distinguish my thoughts and feelings from the very still voice from our Lord.
I can remember when I had my tubal ligation after we had Gala, thinking she would be our last. I of course had a tubal reversal, due to the Lords guidance and I know it was the right thing to do. One month after the surgery we were expecting Hadassah, and about 10 months later we were expecting Syhven! I couldn't be happier with my children. I love having a big family. I knew when I had my surgery that the number 8 was weighing very heavily on my heart. So I expected that we would have three more children. We are now coming up to the time that I figure the possibility of another pregnancy is high. This somewhat scares me.
I thought that eight was the magic number due to my fasting and praying before my surgery, but I am scared that thats not the number. What if it meant eight more children-yes this has been implied by some. I didn't think I wanted eight more children. But I am just turning 30 this coming Sunday. I have many more childbearing years! Do I really want to continue having children into my 40's? I don't think so. I mean I thought I would get back into midwifery (which I love and miss so very much) There is the financial aspect, of course not to the extreme some people think. I look forward to having my bed back to myself and hubby. I look forward to a full nights sleep, or being able to go out as husband and wife because all of our children are old enough to help out while we are gone for a couple of hours. I home school and to be perfectly honest I do not look forward to schooling young ones (don't mind the older ones so much) for the next ten years. And I am thoroughly enjoying the children growing older & the new season that comes with young adults. I love my babies but it is hard getting everything done that needs done when you have babies that don't want set down. As I do practice attachment parenting. I even shower with Syhven. Here is my predicament...
Most of these things are selfish. I mean am I so of the world that I think something that is a blessing from God is a bad thing? I mean God is willing to entrust me and my husband with another life, He says that children are a blessing. Don't most of us feel the same way when our first comes around, the second, third...when do they stop being a blessing and become an inconvience, a money drainer, problem, a stresser a carreer stopper? When do we have the right to step in and say NO Lord no more blessings?
I obviously I didn't always care either way. I mean I have aways oposed abortion of course but just preventing a pregnancy all together, well thats a personal descision, I think, but what is my descision? What is the right thing to do? Biblicaly speaking I would say, let the Lord decide, but thats easier said then done. I don't look down on anyone who chooses not to have more children, but I do have to say, I do look up to those familes who do leave it in Gods hands. After all who is in charge of giving life? He says that He will never give us anything we can't handle. Should I not be buiding up His army, one soldier at a time? So many things are going on in my head which seems to be conflicting with my heart which also seems to be conflicting with my "wants" who seem to be fighting in amongst themselves as well.
So will we be a family of 9, of 10 or will God put it upon our hearts to continue having children, will He want to bless us with more. I don't know right now. What ever it is I do pray I listen to that still small voice and He gives me the discernment to do the right thing according to His plans for my family.
I can remember when I had my tubal ligation after we had Gala, thinking she would be our last. I of course had a tubal reversal, due to the Lords guidance and I know it was the right thing to do. One month after the surgery we were expecting Hadassah, and about 10 months later we were expecting Syhven! I couldn't be happier with my children. I love having a big family. I knew when I had my surgery that the number 8 was weighing very heavily on my heart. So I expected that we would have three more children. We are now coming up to the time that I figure the possibility of another pregnancy is high. This somewhat scares me.
I thought that eight was the magic number due to my fasting and praying before my surgery, but I am scared that thats not the number. What if it meant eight more children-yes this has been implied by some. I didn't think I wanted eight more children. But I am just turning 30 this coming Sunday. I have many more childbearing years! Do I really want to continue having children into my 40's? I don't think so. I mean I thought I would get back into midwifery (which I love and miss so very much) There is the financial aspect, of course not to the extreme some people think. I look forward to having my bed back to myself and hubby. I look forward to a full nights sleep, or being able to go out as husband and wife because all of our children are old enough to help out while we are gone for a couple of hours. I home school and to be perfectly honest I do not look forward to schooling young ones (don't mind the older ones so much) for the next ten years. And I am thoroughly enjoying the children growing older & the new season that comes with young adults. I love my babies but it is hard getting everything done that needs done when you have babies that don't want set down. As I do practice attachment parenting. I even shower with Syhven. Here is my predicament...
Most of these things are selfish. I mean am I so of the world that I think something that is a blessing from God is a bad thing? I mean God is willing to entrust me and my husband with another life, He says that children are a blessing. Don't most of us feel the same way when our first comes around, the second, third...when do they stop being a blessing and become an inconvience, a money drainer, problem, a stresser a carreer stopper? When do we have the right to step in and say NO Lord no more blessings?
I obviously I didn't always care either way. I mean I have aways oposed abortion of course but just preventing a pregnancy all together, well thats a personal descision, I think, but what is my descision? What is the right thing to do? Biblicaly speaking I would say, let the Lord decide, but thats easier said then done. I don't look down on anyone who chooses not to have more children, but I do have to say, I do look up to those familes who do leave it in Gods hands. After all who is in charge of giving life? He says that He will never give us anything we can't handle. Should I not be buiding up His army, one soldier at a time? So many things are going on in my head which seems to be conflicting with my heart which also seems to be conflicting with my "wants" who seem to be fighting in amongst themselves as well.
So will we be a family of 9, of 10 or will God put it upon our hearts to continue having children, will He want to bless us with more. I don't know right now. What ever it is I do pray I listen to that still small voice and He gives me the discernment to do the right thing according to His plans for my family.
no matter how big of a family, God has blessed you with a beautiful family and if it is to be a little bigger we know it will be what God has had planned for you and Jamie, the two of you are great parents
ReplyDeleteawe thank you so very much love you, and your right, as long as we don't stand in His way of things.
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