Being Set Free by the Grace of God

  I have grown up with self esteem issues for just about all my life. When I was a teen I thought my only self worth was that of my body, what I had to offer a guy, in my appearance. And that was my downfall. I made more mistakes then I care to count. I gained 60 lbs when I was 17 and pregnant with my daughter. I had lost all of my friends because I chose my daughter over partying and so I didn't do much besides sit on my tushie in the air conditioned comfort of a recliner watching T.V.
   After I had my daughter, I felt my body was ruined. I of course never got back down to 120 lbs. I had stretch marks on ever limb of my body, from my breasts to my legs and I am talking all the way from my thighs to the backs of my knees-gross huh. My husband and I got married and he has been working on me ever since. I had heard several times to give it to God. How do I do that? I want to give it to God. I mean what woman wants to look at herself in the mirror with disgust! It affected my happiness, my husbands happiness and my marriage. I fought with dieting and exercising. I fluctuated in my weight and my appearance. I rarely found cloths that made me feel good. I think that's why I love being pregnant, its the only time I truly feel beautiful.
  I recently went through a Bible Study that had me taking large strides to letting go of all of my self esteem issues (by the way that was not what I thought the Bible Study would do for me, God is just like that) I gt my haircut, colored after 10 years of going natural. I started going to curves. Wouldn't ya know Satan decided to fight for me. He decided he was not ready to let go a gripped even harder. What did I do, I got obsessive loosing weight to the point of my 6 year old daughter jumping up and down at dinner and when asked, she said I need to loose weight I'm to fat (by the way she is a slim in pant size) I got obsessive about cutting the red out of my hair to the point of taking clippers with a 1 inch guard to my head. When I was through I looked at myself in the mirror and said Dear God what did I do! At that point I realized it was time to start letting go, no matter how hard. I mean I was damaging my daughters thoughts and with six girls I can't do that, and I was damaging myself.
  I was doing laundry one day when I thought I would start wearing skirts. Now this is not like me. Granted I have dresses and skirts and like to wear them on occasion but as an every day thing, not my cup of tea. But I once again threw all of myself into this new plan for me and my girls.
Now a few things you should know before I go on,
one: I do not see women heavier than me as fat, why I have issues with myself is more personal and I do not feel that a woman's weight makes her pretty or not pretty.
two: I do not look at wearing skirts as a way to make a woman more holy or better than the next. However my lovely husband thinks it is taking women back to prehistoric days if they always wear skirts and never put on pants, he doesn't care either way what I do but that's how he feels.
three: I do not hate myself and I am no depressed on an every day level, I am proud of where I am at in life and proud of the woman I have become.
I was in the kitchen staying busy with something when suddenly I felt a release. I have been questioning why I would be released from such a strong feeling so quickly, after all its only been two or three months of trying to convert me and six girls to all skirts. I have been very hesitant in my wearing pants again, out of fear I am hearing the wrong person telling me it's ok. I have talked to other women and I have prayed alot. The fact of the matter is  is I feel frumpy in most of my skirts, not all of them. I like wearing my new black jean skirt from The Skirt Site and a couple of others. But I have noticed that I am not so concerned with my appearance since putting on a skirt. I think that God put it on me to wear skirts to help me with my self image problems, without my knowing it.
  The moral of this story, well I am not exactly sure. I know that when dealing with something that hurts you, you cannot do it yourself. You need to give it to God, no matter how hard. You also need to be submissive to His voice, it will be rewarding to you and pleasing to Him. My husband has always been wonderful about paying me compliments and making me feel good and completely supportive. This is something that I need to work on with God and for now I had to share my story because I am very pleased with the Lord and how far I have come with His help just in the past few months. I know that this is not an over night cure and I know that this is something I will have to take up my cross on this one on a daily basis, but I now know that I can do, because I AM doing it!

Thank you God, may you help all women realize that we are made in Your image therefore we are all beautiful, no matter size nor color! Please continue to help me in my efforts of letting go.
        Amen