Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Evolution of Me a mini series, part 1

I was like most little girls (without a father) when I was young. I loved dolls, barbies and anything girly.
I had the best mother ever. No matter what happened she always loved me and my siblings. She taught me what unconditional love was. I know she always did best. When she met my dad I was about 4ish and they soon were married. However I do have to say there was alot of things that we do differently as parents. I can remember watching Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm st. at the age I am here in the picture. That didn't change of course when my parents got married. We had issues, as many blended families do. My dad loved me and treated me exactly the same as he did his biological children and for that I will always be thankful. And without dishing on my family to much (this is about me) Alcoholism was involved, personal (I care not to mention) physical & emotion abuse had occurred and I grew up. With older siblings ( I was the youngest of 6) I always wanted to tag along. By the time I was 11 I was hanging out with 16 years old's. By the time I was 12 I had drank my first beer I was smoking and had  tried pot and even lost my virginity-if you can call it that due to my past. Is this something I am proud of, absolutely NOT! But it is what it is.
Both of my parents worked so I had alot of free time. My mom did try to take me to church when she wasn't working and she did try to mother me when she was home and I was home-I was grounded alot. But I did fall into the wrong crowd in middle school and was stealing when I wanted to and sneaking out at night, going from boyfriend to boyfriend just looking to be loved. I never had a girlfriend for more than a few years and I still to this day wonder why. It just added to my frustrations though, my looking my wanting.
There wasn't a whole lot I was unwilling to try. I knew right from wrong, I wanted to do right but by the time I wanted to I was to far gone. I already had a reputation. Even the teachers knew my name. I had been expelled my ninth grade year, I had been on probation since I was 12 I had ran away at 14, which was the biggest regret I have in my entire life, it hurt my mom so bad. When I really think about it, even today, it makes me cry.

At one point I was so lost I had read the satanic bible. I was constantly looking for a way out any way out. I had a problem with cutting due to depression, yet I knew there was more, I had more in myself to offer, but I didn't know where to go to give. If I tried I got good grades and actually did well in school. My 10th grade year I was still doing stupid crazy things but getting good grades and I actually applied to skip the 11th grade through correspondence courses. I accomplished that, barely but I did. My 12th grade year I wasn't improving much until something big happened...
Yes, you guessed it I got pregnant! Now where as this might have been a terrible thing to happen to a just turning 17 year old, but not me. I lost all of the "so called" friends I had then. When you stop drinking and partying they drop like flies, let me tell ya. But that's exactly what I did. I stopped parting, stopped getting in trouble and I knew that I had to change the way I was living my life, for my daughter. I broke up with my then boyfriend because he did not want to change the way he was living and I didn't want it around my baby.

My daughter saved my life, no telling where I would have been. I certainly was not heading down a very good path. Through my sin God sent a blessing who ultimately saved my life! I started going back to church, knowing that I wanted a good life for my daughter. Somehow I knew that God was what I needed to provide her a good life. By His grace, by His love, by His faithful love he hadn't given up on me, He was waiting all of that time, through all of those years, through all of my mistakes our Lord the Creator of the universe cared enough for me to send a blessing down to me and He received me messed up little ol' me with open and loving arms He received me. So I have to say that if God can forgive me and love me and want me to be apart of His family, well there isn't a thing anyone can do to make Him not willing to forgive you and love you. He knows whats in your heart and He knew what was in my heart. I was just misguided. I had finally found the love I had been looking for all of those years, my daughter yes but it was God that I needed to fill that hole that had been in my soul, I needed His love to fill that void.
    Now did I become the perfect mother and Christian from that point, no I still had some growing to do, just to get me to where I am now....

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