Saturday, August 11, 2012

How do I feel about another baby???

  Seven years ago, I had a tubal ligation. I knew I wanted more children in my heart, but I went through with it despite that feeling. A few years later I heard that a tubal reversal was not as expensive as I had thought. I weighed it over and talked with my husband. His reaction was "I didn't want you to have it done in the first place" He wasn't concerned with the cost. I was, only because that would put us thousands in debt. I spoke with a financial guru at our church. He advised against us, because of the debt issue, but told me that I should pray on it and fast, until I hear what God truly wants me to do. I did fast and I prayed. It did not take me long, the first day even to hear God speaking to me. I felt the number eight weighing heavy on me, and at one point I even had the number 8 visualized, almost like it was fading in and out in front of me. Needles to say, I had the surgery and less then a month later I was pregnant with Hadassah.
   When Hadassah was about 10 months I started my cycle again, and got pregnant that month. I was not expecting to have another child so quickly, but I was perfectly ok it. As Syhven got older, my husband made me aware that he really didn't want anymore children. I was at first taken aback. When I first had my reversal, I kept saying we would have as many children as God blessed us with. He knew I was struggling with the choice of, prohibiting another pregnancy. I told him that it was on him though and I would not take any sort of hormonal birth control, and I would not go through another surgery. That if he made the decision to be done then he had to take the proper measures.
  I did wind up pregnant after only one cycle, yet again. However I knew something wasn't right, right away. I did miscarry early on. I was extremely conflicted at this point. I was scared to get pregnant again, but it kind of made me want that eighth baby all the more. I went through another cycle. I began to be "ok" with the thought of being done. I even began to get excited about being able to serve as a Midwife again. I even started studying again.
  A part of me, did , however still want one more child. I almost felt like it was my obligation. After all God told me we would have 8. I am obviously addicted to peeing in a cup and watching that little line move across a home pregnancy test. I figured there is always that chance. When it finally did give me an extremely light positive, I was so excited. I was absolutely thrilled. I did keep it from my husband, out of fear he would be upset. remember he wanted to be done. And every time I end up pregnant, he always thinks I did it on purpose, and that is the only reason I wanted to be intimate with him (not true)
   After about a week, it hit me. I was going to have another baby. I would not be able to serve again for another two years! I still have a little one nursing and sleeping (or not) in bed with me. My plate is full with school aged activities. I already have seven children. My husband and I were just beginning to be able to run to town and have lunch together alone. I could run to the grocery real fast all by myself, I haven't done that, well , ever. My husband and I have a very, how do I say it, love hate relationship. We will be married forever I know, but at times, ugh, well it just worried me, another mouth to feed if...I wasn't so sure I should be excited all of a sudden. I knew my husband wouldn't be.
Gala saw a test drop from my pocket one night and I convinced her and my husband it was chapstick. Then a couple of nights later, I had the opportune time to spill the beans to my kids and husband. My kids were thrilled, Blixon even cried :-) Jamie however was not. For days he didn't say much of anything to me. I felt like, even if I wanted to be excited I shouldn't be because of my husband. People would ask "are you excited" no, I really wasn't, not at that point. Which then only made me feel worse.
  Days went on and that began to change. I started to get a little excited. I told my husband, I felt like I couldn't be excited, because he wasn't happy. He told me, that I could be excited. I started to let go of all of the worry. As silly as it sounds I took the last two pregnancy tests I had and I loved watching that dark line show up. It made me smile. I left those two tests in my bathroom drawer, so that I can look at several times a day. I am getting more and more excited about this baby. I can't wait to feel her ( I am sure it will be a girl, after all look at our track record) and see her grow and hold her in my arms some day.
   I do feel though that after she is here with us, that our family will be complete. I struggled with the idea of being in control of the number of children we have and not giving that to God, but each day I think I am more and more ok
   I look up to those families who have a very large family and never are done per say. I just think that, that is not for us. My husband is not a strong christian and at times has a short temper (not abusive) but I just feel that it would just add more stress to him. I just feel like we are not good enough to have 11, 12 kids, we are not strong enough. I love the lifestyle most large families live. It just seems like that lifestyle is getting harder and harder to live in our home. So more likely then not, after this baby girl is born Jamie will have a vasectomy (if he truly wants to be done) I am ready, I finally feel ready to be done. To move on with the next stage of our lives...


  1. I am super excited for you with this new baby! I can't wait to meet him or her ;)

  2. One of the things I just love about your blog is your honesty. You aren't afraid to share the good along with the bad. Marriages aren't perfect, moms and dads aren't perfect but through it all we can still manage to find the good and you always manage to do that. Thank you for that! I'm glad you are able to feel happiness over this now. I understand how difficult these times can be with mixed emotions. Hopefully with time Jamie will also be able to feel the happiness. I believe God has wired us differently. It's easier for mamas to remember the sweetness and wonders of a little one. It seems some guys see more of the finances, time and harder parts first. Both parts are very real and worthy of course. May God bless your family during this special time!

  3. Once again you sound just like me! No I am not pregnant right now LOL! But I have felt the number 5 put on my heart and feel like it was given to me visually trhough 1Sam. 2:21 "Hannah bore 3 sons and 2 daughters" (I have 3 boys right now!)
    Anyway, I have given up the idea of living the dream "large homeschool family" life. You know with as many kids as we can have, no tv, all girls with long hair wearing skirts, parents never raise their voice. But I too have realized that, that isn't for us. I have cried MANY tears almost in mourning of this dream "dying". But that lifstyle would be too much for my husband also (he has temper issues too, not violent also). Do I still want those two girls? Yes! and I do feel like our family would be complete when they are here. But do I feel like my husbands head would explode if I get pregnant two more times? ABSOLUTELY! So I have given him control over this area of our lives, and no I'm not ok with it...c'est la vie...

  4. Thank you ladies. I am so honored ot be able to share my life with such wonderful women. Rachel, you will be one of the firsts :-) Elizabeth, I think you are right, I think men are that way. Jamie did say he would be happy once she was here so that is a plus. Becky, are you like somehow my secret twin my mother didn't tell me about. We are like long lost sisters, practically living the same life. I love that about the bloggy atmosphere. You can find like minded people and connect, where as you wouldn't have in our everyday normal life.